30. Facing the truth

The fuse blew and the bomb exploded. Suddenly I was totally fed up with all the bullshit. While screaming, I smashed the tabletop with full force. We lashed our tongues. The torrent of abuses was short but powerful. All kinds of hateful accusations passed: troublemaker, egomaniac, toddler, hater, whiner, dick, etcetera, etcetera. All brakes were lost. Time to get lost before this fight really gets out of hand. The coup already happened though. An unstoppable hurricane was released and set free. Thunderclouds covered the blazing sun. What arose indoors threw everything upside down on the streets. Secure everything and take cover. Sweating, sighing, cursing, suffering. The unbearable boiling-point had been reached. I couldn’t keep my head cool for longer. Thinking or acting ‘normally’ was too much to ask for. Very different things were on my mind. I was overpowered by an elusive trance. Such an unstable tinderbox requires iron nerves and careful dissection, preferably in familiar surroundings. The subway will do.

I stepped into the packed Metro with a face like thunder. While on the phone, I blew off some steam. I cursed and raged as I paced up and down. Hundreds of strangers involuntary enjoyed my emotional calls. Every sense of place and time fade. After a few stops, I realized that almost everyone was staring in my direction. Even that realization didn’t do anything with my public nervous breakdown. I continued provocatively. Fuck ’em all. Fabulous, just look at all those faces. Go to hell with your judgments. Beware of the wild, the runaway, the troubled. Watch closely. Gloating is optional, not required. I exited at a random station with a manic smile. Then I strolled through the area. Graffiti, shards of glass, litter, weeds and my smeared outfit finished the sad trip. I sat down and bent over on a neglected bench. I sighed out loud with my face in my hands. Go on then. Cry. Cry like a little bitch. The second wave of this mental tsunami flushed me away. Tears coursed down over my cheeks. Despite the outburst, this madness was far from over. I was still trapped in the tightly locked prison of my mind.

I manned up and left the courtyard. While roaming around, I watched the cloud formations, by-passers and birds flying overhead. Take it easy. Slowly but surely, the tranquilizer wore off. The returned brightness reactivated the train of thought. And, soon after, the third wave. I sank within indescribable shame. Self-hatred. Especially disbelief. Wow. What an act that was. Bravo. Fights, disagreements or conflicts are part of life. I’m not going to stay awake because of that. The way, however… bizarre. So intense, so shameless in public. Unbelievable. It’s abnormal and worrying… but not totally unexpected. Deep from within, I knew that all too well. This isn’t an isolated incident, far from it. Something was going on. Something deep, something fundamental. For several times, I tried to get a grip on that mysterious something. Clearly with no results, unfortunately. That sad conclusion was utterly sobering. The rock-hard truth knocked me down. Just look at me. I’m back at square one or – even worse – haven’t progressed at all. Damn. This has to change. Face your problems and tackle them by the root. Not somewhere else, not later. No. Here, now. Do it. No more tricks, excuses, postponement or blaming.

That’s it! Something snapped once again. Enough is enough. Until here and no further with that nagging frustration. So lovely to have a reasonable (reasoned) suspicion of what’s going on. It’s just pretty useless without the right actions. Knowing something isn’t a guarantee of getting things done. Take a good look in the mirror. I tried to grab a mad bull by the horns with limp hands. Hopeless. I lacked answers, a plan or (inspiring) support. Yet I felt able to pull this off. The sincere belief in a solution lifted me up. Everything changed instantly. Insecurity and pessimism went out like a burned candle. I acknowledged my imperfection, vulnerability, impotence. I couldn’t settle this battle on my own; that was as clear as day. But it should succeed with a supportive push from something or someone. Give it a shot. You can’t emerge any worse, only wiser. Wiser about badly processed events or suppressed emotions. Wiser about dormant tensions and impurities. Wiser about the forces that can make someone resentful, bitter, unstable, hateful, unfulfilled or ignorant. That seems like a good deal to me. That’s why I, being born and bred in bottling it all up, will undergo professional counseling. Not as a last resort, but to make the coin drop in the right direction. Prevention is better than cure. Come on. Subject to what’s needed and just do it. Don’t struggle. Let it all go.

I made the final decision at my lodging. The word is out. By that, an enormous burden fell off my twenty-year-old shoulders. I had a whole life ahead of me and wanted to make the best of it. There seemed to be nothing serious going on at the surface. That eruption was a clear warning that not everything was hunky-dory. Yes, I got the point. For once, I had the whole term of human life in mind. It’s better to get rid of the mental ballast as soon as possible. Otherwise, it will stick like persistent slime. That slime prevents, clogs up and slows down. Time to cut the crap. The big cleansing was good to go, and with that, the most crucial step was taken. The ego was shattered. A sea of room to play appeared on the horizon. Bring on the human adventure. Who doesn’t dare, doesn’t win. It’s a simple choice in the end. A wise and rewarding choice. My choice. One which I can recommend to anyone.

Step into a thrilling ride that’s worthwhile and be grateful, it’s by no means self-evident.

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