“Let’s go out tonight!” Err… Sure. Why not. Turning down an invitation from two hot chicks? Nah, can’t do. So I threw my crushed beer cans away and raced to the bathroom. Quick, take a shower before this socially accepted madness commences. Do your fellow man a favor and be fresh. Be fresh of body and mind for as long as it lasts. Slightly civilized behavior is enough; human odors will come eventually. I put on a well-worn T-shirt and sprayed some deodorant. Then I used some mouth was to flush that beer smell out. Good. This mannered citizen is good to go – bring on a dose of wacky mischiefs. The only thing missing was some female beauty. I waited for the ladies with a monk’s patience. Waiting and waiting forever and ever. Patience pays off, though. They were all set and ready in a mere hour. Fine, let’s go mad then. Let’s get into the place to be, into the go-go zone where it all happens: downtown Nelson (New Zealand).
I went to the lion’s den with no expectations – just surprise me. The vibe of the streets was proper. Groups of drunk Kiwis were swaggering back and forth. Drinking is a popular hobby in Down Under. A bit too popular, perhaps. Sometimes they’re hard to understand when sober, let alone after some drinks. There was nothing to do but to smile and wave. Dear heavens. That’s going to be something once we’re inside a noisy pub. Those two will be jumped on, I thought. Especially when the beefed-up rugby players unleash their distinctive slang. We’ve got to be cautious with such an exotic breed. Oh, too late. They – I slavishly followed – joined the queue for a bar. Eight out of ten had a beard in this queue. Alright, close the lines. I knew what time it was. This is obviously going to be a steamy sausage fest. Oh – my – God. Jesus… Please be with me in this insane slaughterhouse!
The prayers were to no avail. Within minutes, a male crammed himself between us. His eyes were fixated on my compatriot. The girl got bombarded by shelling of smooth talk. She exchanged a brief glance with me, which said it all. Hah, good luck. She’s already overwhelmed, and the evening is still long. I threw myself into the line of fire as a life-safer. ‘Have you ever been to Europe?’ ‘Oh, there and there I’ve been too, cool huh?’ ‘What do you think of so-and-so and this-and-that?’ Frowned eyebrows, brief responses and averted posture. His disapproval is understandable. Suddenly I felt guilty. Be honest: no one is eager for random bullshit or jealous cock-blockers. Don’t ask for the sake of asking, and especially don’t be an annoying interrupter. Leave them, they’ll be fine. Like everyone else, they have to deal with it. They have to deal with the dormant desperation that makes the eyes dull and the antics more desperate. Deal with the endless void of not-fucking and not-loving. Deal with (someone else’s) shame, with the agony of a prolonged dry spell. No one wants these things to happen. Not to themselves or anyone else. You want to pat that person on the back as soon as the realization kicks in. Wrap your arm around them. Encourage them and treat them to an ice-cold pint.
The crowd was absolutely pissed by midnight. The first dude dropped out already, but that wasn’t the end of it. Far from it. By now, it was a matter of rolling the dice. Five others are trying their luck as well – simply do your best. This sea of hormones will nurture all. Not. Sigh. I knew my place, I knew enough. A bald dwarf with a tattered outfit is way down the pecking order. The only thing left to do was to acknowledge my defeat and retreat silently. So I withdrew with my tail between my legs. From my Safe Space, I watched the action of the battlefield. I witnessed all the foaming mouths, hungry glances and (un)successful calls to (eventually) mate. Like David Attenborough, I narrated the trampling, stalking, growling and tug-of-war of wildly mounting stallions. Priceless entertainment for a buck. Saving yourself a ticket to the zoo provides some more drinks. Well done. You don’t have to go to the zoo to watch the planet of the apes. You can do the same in any random bar, it’s really not that different.
The music stopped and bright lights flicked on. It’s over alright. I finished my chat with a random drunkard. This time, the girls followed my lead. Going out together, coming home together. The three of us walked back in peace. They went through all the odd behaviors, blunt remarks and funny stupidities of the night. I listened and laughed. It’s so recognizable. And just look at them. So free, spontaneous and carefree. Although… the latter is questionable. Herds of men returned home in utter disappointment. No doubt Those men will crash onto their beds with contained lust and a painful boner. Geez. Such madness. Does turning each other on deserve the beauty prize or a Nobel prize? Quite unlikely. You know, we’re just big monkeys on a spinning rock. It goes on and on and on. Right through the black something, that big nothing. Just until the music and the party stops. Dance. Sing and make it happen, with or without a dream partner. Act normal, go crazy. Do it. Just do it. Who risks nothing gains nothing.
Speaking primates with prime needs and a well-developed appearance, welcome to sanctuary ‘the Earth’